Coronavirus – What It’s Like Suffering from Today’s Most Feared Disease
So I woke up on Monday morning and my nose was stuffed up, I had a sore throat, and felt bone-feeble like the common cold always makes me feel. But, since there is a Coronavirus going around, and despite the representations of media and medical officials proclaiming only a handful of cases in Canada, I am self-diagnosing myself with the Coronavirus. I definitely must have it.
Nevermind that the most reliable symptom of the onset of 2019-nCoV, as it is now officially known – a fever – is absent in my case. I’m sure I am a victim and am planning my own self-imposed quarantine strategy to halt the spread of 2019-nCoV beyond the door of my Cabbagetown home.
The dogs are eyeballing me suspiciously. They are wondering why I have been staying in bed until 9 am two weekday mornings in a row, causing them added discomfort for having to hold “it” for an extra two hours longer than normal. Nevermind the delayed breakfast. Them being themselves, however, it is not long until their suspicious has evolved into concern, and I am soon trapped under the covers by a dog on either side of me.
This makes it harder still to get out of bed, and as I lie there assessing my various conditions, the Volcanic Sneeze for which I am both famous and shunned when I have a cold, force me to use one of their rumps as a handkerchief as it explodes without warning from my snout.
Now, the dog’s ass and my immediate vicinity covers are a bit of a mess, which is exactly the inspiration I need to leap out of bed.
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Standing up for the first time since my last pee around 4 am, I immediately sit down on the bed as vertigo overwhelms my brain and I flump dizzily down back onto my stacked and sticky bed clothes.
How can I be sure this is 2019-nCoV and not just A(H1N1) or A(H3N2) influenza viruses? Or worse, maybe I am needlessly jeopardizing my reputation for shaking off puny diseases by over dramatizing the paltry rhinovirus, which causes 50 percent of the world’s common colds?
The bottom line is, I can’t be sure. I theoretically should go to a clinic or emergency room and find out for sure….but just the act of walking the 2 kilometres to the nearest hospital will likely cause the infection of at least half the people I encounter on the way there. And what about the waiting room? Maybe I should call an ambulance?
Imagine walking into one of the dozens of walk-in clinics in downtown Toronto and being overheard telling the checker inner that you think you have Coronavirus. What is their Health Canada mandated response? Do they immediately blast disinfectant foam all over me and stuff me into a medical wheelbarrow for immediate conveyance to some specially designed quarantine facility where everyone is wearing a Hazmat suit and respirators like in Space?
Poring over today’s statistics, the death rate has gone down to one percent, which is pretty good odds, I figure. Mind you, I am somewhat dismayed by how sure I can be that I am absolutely The One in 234 billion who will win tonight’s LottoMax jackpot but definitely not The One in a hundred who will die from Coronavirus.
Maybe I’ll get locked up on cruise ship? That’s not a bad tradeoff, I figure. Oh you’re sick and might die but just wait here on this luxury cruise ship until we find out. Mind you, a cruise ship in Toronto Harbour in mid-February?
Alas, the financial tradeoff of having to miss work vs getting paid finally overwhelms the hypochondriatic self-diagnosis, and I finally convince myself that the Coronavirus is causing me to be delusional, and I think I’ll just go to work and pretend I have merely common cold. Maybe I’ll get one of those fancy masks all the Asian kids have been wearing…though now I’m confused as whether that is in solidarity with the Hong Kong university students, or to prevent the spread of The Virus. Or exposure to The Virus….?
Okay maybe I don’t have Coronavirus. Shouldn’t it be Tsing Tao-virus? Maybe I’ve got pneumonia?
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